Spooky Little Girl Page 6

  chapter five Why Am I Wearing Underwear?

  “"Now, I realize what I just said may seem like a terribly turbulent way to start our acquaintance,”" Ruby informed the speechless and stunned group before her. “"But after guiding countless sections of the freshly expired through their Transitions, I’'ve found that being up-front, first and foremost, is not only the most effective method, but the most helpful. You’'re dead. You’'ve all died very unexpectedly, and my job is to assist you with your initial Transition. This is Intro to Sudden Death, a primer for this particular stage in the death process.”"

  “"Do you mean denial, bargaining, and acceptance?”" the bicyclist wondered.

  “"If I died, where are my already dead family members?”" Tommy Bahama asked. “"I thought they were all supposed to show up to welcome me!”"

  “"I want to speak to your manager!”" the housewife cried in a panic. “"I demand to see Jesus! And his mother.”"

  “"I don’'t understand where we are,”" Bethanny said, still confused by the fact that her vacation had ended so abruptly. “"Am I not going on the Auna Nicole Farewell Tour?”"

  “"Listen,”" Ruby interjected, trying to calm things. “"We have a lot of ground to cover, so let’'s clear up some confusion. You are in the Transition Center. That’'s where you woke up this morning, in the dormitory. That’'s where you’'ll be staying until our section is complete. I’'ll be handing out room assignments before you leave.”"

  “"Oh, that’'s ridiculous,”" the snow bunny housewife objected. “"So you’'re saying I’'m dead and I’'m staying in a dorm, like in college? I gained fifteen pounds in that dorm. And I’'ll tell you right now, if there’'s some nosy-body RA sniffing around, I’'m not discussing my eating habits with anyone. I demand an upgrade. I’'ll pay for it. I have plenty of frequent flier miles.”"

  “"There are no upgrades, I’'m afraid,”" Ruby informed her. “"This is all we’'ve got. Everyone gets the same thing. There’'s no sliding scale.”"

  What the hell is a Sudden Death Transition Center, Lucy thought as she sat back and watched the reactions of the others around her, almost as if it was a television show and she was just tuning in. Could she really be dead? she wondered, then immediately wanted to smack herself for being so foolish. It was a dream. The whole thing was bizarre enough to be a dream, and once she realized that she was trapped in the reality-show portion of her subconscious, she decided that she really should simply sit back, enjoy the show, and wait until she woke up. It was like free entertainment. After all, there were worse dreams to be stuck in. She could have been making out with Carrot Top or being chased through a mall by a bear with a goat head, all while trying to figure out a way to stop in at the food court to get a Beef’'n Cheddar at Arby’'s without getting mauled. Truly, this was a great dream. The detail was amazing; the premise was fascinating. She was already looking forward to recounting the whole bizarre episode to Alice in the morning over their first cups of coffee.

  “"If I’'m dead,”" queried the hunter, as if he could catch the old woman in a trap, “"why am I wearing underwear?”"

  “"This is bullshit, lady,”" Tommy Bahama bellowed suddenly, his face about to rupture with anger. “"What kind of joke are you playing on us?”"

  “"This is no joke, Mr. Russell,”" Ruby replied, her smile quickly dropping into a stern no-nonsense look. “"You choked on a peanut from your in-flight snack because you never really did learn to chew properly due to the fact that you lack the virtue of patience and you can be a real pain in the ass. You were in a hurry to board the plane, you were pushy when you ordered your drink, and you made a face when the flight attendant handed you merely one snack bag. You tore it open, poured the contents into your mouth, and barely masticated one time before a peanut rolled into the back of your throat and lodged itself there. After coughing several times and making several useless simian-like motions to capture someone’'s attention, you choked to death and then collapsed onto your fold-down tray, breaking it. You are a Sudden Death, Mr. Russell, and simply put, you were not expected. You all met a surprise tragic ending. This wasn’'t in the cards for any of you, but here you are.”"

  “"What are you all pissed about?”" the shaggy-haired youngster finally said in a tense voice. “"I’'m the youngest one here! Look at everything I missed out on. I just turned twenty-one! I haven’'t even begun to live yet! The rest of you already lived; you’'re old. I was young. You were all going to die soon anyway. But you all have nothing to complain about. I didn’'t even get a chance!”"

  “"Well, Mr. Morse, I would say your chances were never really all that good, being that you drank yourself into a stupor, lost consciousness, and then lost control of your bladder while snuggled under your grandma’'s old electric blanket, and fried yourself like a chimichanga.”"

  The youngster’'s jaw went slack, and after a moment he stared straight back down at the floor again.

  The bicyclist raised his hand. “"I was hit by a Hummer, is that correct?”" he asked. “"Is that what you’'re saying? A gas-sucking, environmentally disastrous vanity car ran me over?”"

  “"Well, not exactly,”" Ruby offered. “"He was a little too close to you, and as he passed, the side mirror whacked your head from behind and rendered it into a projectile, you could say. It then bounced several times, due to the foam core of the helmet, and then finally rolled behind a bush, resting next to a Big Mac wrapper and a Styrofoam cup.”"

  “"I was decapitated and then wound up as litter,”" the bicyclist concluded. “"That is a ridiculous way to die. I somehow thought my ending would be more …... significant. Earnest, if you will.”"

  “"Don’'t we all hope that, Mr. Marks?”" Ruby said, trying to be comforting. “"We all carry the hope that our death will not be in vain, or that it will assume some higher translation, maybe even taking on metaphoric stature. In life, we all want our deaths to be magnificent and relevant. And in your case …... I’'m sorry, no.”"

  “"I still don’'t understand why I’'m here,”" the ski bunny said. “"I think a mistake has been made. I don’'t see how I’'m supposedly dead. If I’'m dead, how did I die? Avalanche? I fell off the ski lift? Did I hit a tree on my last run?”"

  Ruby nodded, then ran her finger down the top sheet of a stack of papers before her. “"Mrs. Wootig, Mrs. Wootig …... Ahhhh, I see. It seems your assets froze, then exploded. Apparently if you had gone for a respectable C cup or even merely a single letter with your augmentation, you wouldn’'t be here right now. It would have just been a case of frostbite. They went like grenades, it says here. Oh, that’'s terrible. Terrible. And as long as we’'re on the subject, Mr. Granger, in the camouflage, if there was any doubt in your mind, your son did bag a 250-pound buck, but it was you. Did you see that coming when you bought him his first BB gun for his eleventh birthday? Really? Not even a bit, not a hint? Curious. All right, then. So …... We have fish food, bed wetter, flying head, buck shot, peanut sucker, boobsicles and that brings us to Lucy, who we all know got flattened like a shoe insert by a city bus. According to my list, I think we’'re all here.”"

  I have to remember that, Lucy stressed to herself. She could see Alice shooting coffee out of her nose over boobsicles. She hoped she could remember it all—--waking up and thinking she was in a county hospital, trying to find her classroom, looking for a phone, thinking Bethanny was a mental patient, finding out she was a Surprise Demise, who lost a head, who got shot, or eaten by a shark, all of it. This dream had to be lasting for hours, she realized. This was the longest dream she’'d ever had. This was incredible entertainment!

  “"Can I sleep now that I’'m dead?”" Lucy offered up sarcastically with a hearty laugh. She figured, hell, if this was her dream, she ought to get a couple of one-liners in. “"Has it been half an hour yet? Does the devil know I’'m here? Whoa, I feel drunk—--that must be some powerful embalming solution! Can I have my next one on the rocks?”"

  “"This is crazy! I don’'t think you’'re funny,
Lucy!”" Bethanny objected. “"I am not dead. I’'m talking; you can see me. Send me back! I want to go back!”"

  “"Bethanny, dear,”" Ruby said as she slightly raised her right hand, “"the only part of you that hasn’'t been completely digested yet in the GI tract of a sea monster is your right leg, and it’'s stuck on a coral reef at the bottom of the ocean. Angelfish have already nibbled on it. An eel is flirting with it. No one simply wants to be a leg, do they? Do they? Just one nibbled-on leg?”"

  Bethanny returned Ruby’'s soft look with an embittered pout that rendered her face a light shade of port wine.

  “"I can’'t believe I’'m not an angel!”" she finally erupted as she stomped a flipper to the floor with a loud, rubbery snap. “" Why am I not an angel? I bet Anna Nicole is an angel! This isn’'t fair! I want to be sitting on a cloud, spying on people! I want to wear flowy robes and have a good singing voice! I want to hit Mariah Carey high notes!”"

  Ruby waited a moment before she said anything.

  “"True, you didn’'t make it to a higher level, but that could be due to a variety of things—--maybe you didn’'t have enough time in the game to really complete all of the tasks you needed to before your leg drifted to the bottom of the ocean, or a three-ton city bus rendered you one-dimensional, or your head rolled into a pile of garbage,”" she attempted to explain to her charges. “"Maybe you were thinking about making a contribution to the humane society but bought yourself a frilly, fancy push-up bra instead. With insufficient insulation, I might add. Maybe you didn’'t say you were sorry enough times when you knew you were wrong. Maybe you told a homeless vet to get a job instead of giving him a dollar to get some soup. Maybe you voted for George Bush one too many times. Maybe you put guns into the hands of children, who knows? I don’'t know. I do know the reasons for every one of you are different, but this is your chance to make it up, to sort of fix things.”"

  “"Am I really in Hell because I wanted to have a beer with George Bush?”" Bethanny asked sadly.

  “"Oh, Bethanny,”" Ruby said sympathetically. “"Please don’'t be sad. This is not Hell. Hell is in a different part of the building altogether. This is your chance to shine, so to speak. Because if there ever was an afterlife, this is it. Your same life, but after you’'re dead. You’'re all going back.

  “"My dears, you’'re in ghost school.”"

  My subconscious is amazing, Lucy thought after being told this latest information. Now I’'m a ghost? Classic. I’'ve never been a ghost in mydreams before. I’'ve been chased, suddenly pregnant, lost, late for a plane, trying repeatedly to dial a phone, taking a test I never studied for, watching a tornado coming toward my house, flying over mountains, but I’'ve never been a ghost in ghost school before. That is a first. It’'s just like a little ghost classroom, too, Lucy noted as she looked around. Here I am, sitting at a desk with a bunch of people around me that I don’'t particularly like, with a crazy old woman at the front of the classroom who’'s our teacher. And now I have to find someone to have lunch with.

  But suddenly, Lucy got a feeling that something wasn’'t quite right. A flush of alarm engulfed her and she immediately froze. Something was off. Something didn’'t fit. If she was having a dream about school, she realized, there was always a constant. Always. Whether she was taking a test, trying out for cheerleading, being called on to make a presentation she hadn’'t prepared for, there was always one common thread.

  Always.

  Lucy hesitated before she looked down, but when she did and saw her jeans and her corduroy jacket and saw that they were indeed on her, she realized quickly that she could not be dreaming.

  She was not naked.

  And if she was in a classroom and was not naked, there was no way this could be a dream, and if this wasn’'t a dream, that meant that she was, very much so, dead.

  And not only dead, but a spook.

  “"Oh, my God, I’'m dead,”" Lucy suddenly gasped, and then emitted a stunned laugh. “"So I didn’'t make it. I didn’'t make the cut. I didn’'t make advanced choir in junior high because I had mono, I didn’'t make it into college because I slept through my alarm and was too hungover to take the SATs, and now I even DIED and I haven’'t made the cut to the afterlife. I’'m just a ghost. I don’'t even get to be all the way dead. I was always picked last, and this is just like being an alternate. I always knew the white light was bullshit!”"

  “"Now, now, now, there are some benefits to being at this level, you know,”" Ruby quickly interjected, trying to calm Lucy. “"You need to see this more positively. There is a white light, but it’'s not one you want to go into, and I’'ll explain that in more detail when we reach that section in your training.

  “"You are all dead, and rest assured you are all the way dead, Lucy. There’'s no such thing as a dead alternate. You died. That means that aside from being born, you have completed the hardest thing in life. It’'s something you never have to do again. What is the thing everyone is afraid of the most? Death. And guess what? You did it! It’'s over for you! You never have to worry about dying again. All right, so maybe you didn’'t get an A plus in life, maybe you’'re a C lifer and so you ended up here, but hey, it’'s a huge relief, right?”"

  No one could help but nod in agreement, including Lucy, who bobbed along with the crowd, desperately trying to keep her head from spinning off. She alternated every five seconds between being completely numb and wanting nothing more than to get up and run screaming out of the classroom, but she had no idea where she was or where she should go, and if Hell was indeed in a different part of the building, she was clearly better off staying put. She tried to calm herself down by reminding herself that getting hysterical wasn’'t going to help matters any, plus the fact that none of the other newly dead were becoming unglued, so maybe there was no reason to panic. But as Lucy looked at each of them, she saw that they also had mixed flashes of disbelief and confusion on their faces. She found comfort in their apparent discomfort.

  “"You’'re dead. Congratulations!”" Ruby continued. “"That means, as of today, you’'re all retired. No more work. You never have to go to work again. Rat race is over. You crossed the finish line. You never have to fill out another tax form, pay another bill, worry about getting audited. You’'re dead. You’'ll never get another cold, you’'ll never wind up in the hospital, you’'ll never break a bone. You’'ll never have gas or pass a kidney stone. You never have to bathe again, shave again, or floss again. You’'ll never have to go to a job you hate. You never have to wait in line. You never have to diet.”"

  Mr. Granger, the hunter who’'d taken a rifle blast to his abdomen, raised his hand.

  “"I was planning on losing a couple of pounds before my son killed me,”" he explained. “"Can I work on that here? Do you guys have a gym, or even a treadmill? I think I’'d do well on a Bowflex. But I think I’'ll stay out of the sauna!”"

  The dead students chortled.

  Ruby winced. “"That’'s a tough one,”" she began. “"But it brings us to a good point. Although you all have the image of your earthly form, physically things have changed for you. You are no longer flesh and bone in the traditional sense. Frankly, all that stuff does is eventually fail you and get in the way. Your form now is more adaptable, it’'s portable and flexible. The energy of what made you alive is what you are now. That is what has survived. It’'s what exists.”"

  “"You mean our spirit?”" Bethanny asked.

  “"Certainly, you can call it that,”" the teacher confirmed. “"Everything in the earthly form is energy, propelled by energy, composed of energy. It’'s all energy, but in different forms, in different versions. Even your earthly bodies were composed of energy, but the strongest force of energy is what you are now. You are now the most powerful part of what you were. What I’'m here to do is teach you how to work with your new form. I can see you here—--we can all see each other—--but back on the earthly level, our energy is transparent, unless you want it to be otherwise. But modifying your energy tak
es practice and skill, as well as a couple of tricks. That is what we will be focusing on in your course work here. After which you’'ll go on to your individual assignments. But I’'m afraid losing weight isn’'t an option. You have no weight to lose. The way you are at the moment of your death is the way you are for, well, forever.”"

  Bethanny’'s face boiled back to red again. “"I have to wear a wet suit for all of eternity?”" she screeched. “"I can’'t walk around in these flippers! This is just asking too much. I’'m in rubber here. I’'m basically dressed in a tire! Had I known that this was going to be my eternal fashion projection, I would have worn my curvy jeans and strappy sandals to feed that stupid shark. I don’'t see how this is fair. You need to start warning people before they get devoured.”"

  Ruby smiled. “"Like I said, you were a surprise to us, dear, even though you were dressed like a walrus with press-on nails. I don’'t think you’'ll find anyone in here who believes a shark was not going to find you appetizing. You were like a floating pig in a blanket. But this brings us to one of the most exciting parts of Transition,”" she said excitedly as she pulled out something that resembled a magazine from the bottom of her stack of folders and binders. “"I agree that wearing a wet suit would not only be cumbersome for your assignment in the afterlife, but a little ineffective as well.”"

  Ruby stepped down off the stage and walked over to Bethanny as she flipped through the pages. “"Here we go,”" she said, and she laid it into the girl’'s eagerly awaiting rubber arms. “"Pages thirty through sixty are considered the women’'s section, although we do have some crossover for our alternative lifestyle specters, in the ‘'Ladies but Gents’' section. Now, don’'t be hasty. Make sure you’'ve looked at everything before you make your decision. This is for your entire assignment, remember. There are no returns once you’'ve made your choice.”"